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12/05/2011

From Farm to Fame- Chapter 26

I was desperate to convince Roxanne to just drive away. Gaige and I hadn't spoken since I had called him to say I was having twins. The thought of trying to talk to him after so long, and after how things had gone the last couple times we'd talked, was terrifying.  "Please... this is just going to make things worse. Let's go... now."

She was just as determined to get me to talk to him, and I could hear the frustration in her voice when I protested "Just go talk to him. I know he won't let you go when he finds out that you tried to kill yourself. Maybe your relationship won't be saved, but I'm sure he still cares about you and wouldn't let you do anything stupid."

"He hates me, he'll just slam the door in my face."

She grinned. "I don't think so... he's coming over right now!"

"Probably to tell us to go away."

The next thing I new she had rolled down the window and Gaige was yelling at me through it. "What are you doing here? I thought I made clear how I felt about you coming back, and that I don't really feel like talking to you at all. So if you actually have something to say make it quick, otherwise go away...and do that quick too."

Roxanne spoke before I could, I had no idea how she could sound calm... I was panicking and would have stumbled through an apology before taking off had it been my choice. "I brought her here. I'm sorry. I just don't know what else to do... "

"and why am I the solution? Whatever the problem is, it can be solved without me. That is the choice she made in leaving."

"The problem is that she wants to kill herself. I don't know how to fix it... I can only postpone it. Maybe since part of it has to do with you though, you can fix it."

He sighed, but I could still hear the anger in is his voice, I avoided looking at him and kept my head down. "Rachelle, get inside...now."

I was too scared not to do so, and fumbled trying to get my seatbelt off and open the door.  The walk up to the house was the most awkward times of my life, I was terrified of what would happen inside. I imagined it would involve a lot of yelling, mostly about how he hated me and thought I deserved to die.

We barely made it past the door and stood in silence for several minutes, I could tell he was trying to figure out what to say without yelling at me and I was just trying to brace myself for the fact that he probably was going to yell at me anyway. I didn't think he would be able to hold back his hatred for me.

He didn't yell when he finally found something to say, but he failed to mask any of his anger...it still crept through his voice. "Why would you want to kill yourself?"

I tried to avoid eye contact, and nervously muttered a reponse. "Because I couldn't come home..."

That was all it had taken to get him yelling again, the anger and frustration in his voice stronger than I'd ever heard it before. Stronger than at the rest stop, and stronger than it had been on the phone. "Don't give me that crap. You didn't even think twice about leaving you were just gone... and you've been gone for over 3 years. Don't tell me that you were going to kill yourself because you couldn't come home, I don't believe it for a second."

I stepped back, I felt sick to my stomach with fear. "It's true... I mean it wasn't the only reason but it was the biggest one. I justed wanted to be able to come home to things the way the were before. You'd hold me close and tight and promise me that everything would be okay... I may not have been able to believe that it would be okay, but it still always made me feel better."

"Last time I tried to do that for you, you left. Do you have any idea how much time i've spent wondering why you didn't feel that you could trust me to support you... especially after everything we'd already been through?" He paused for a moment, when he didn't yell when he continued, and the anger was replaced with sadness and confusion "When you didn't know that I would have done anything to make it better, and to help you through whatever was wrong... I knew it meant we had a problem. I often wondered if I had done something wrong, and I always wondered when we started to have problems and I didn't notice. I would have done anything to fix them, and I would have thought you would have done the same."

The feeling of sickness only worsened, and I started to cry... I felt so guilty "I did know that you would do anything for me. Of course I knew that, I never doubted that, and that's exactly why I had to leave. I never wanted you to feel as if you had anything to do with it...and I'm so sorry for that."

"Why was my wanting to support you such a bad thing, why did it mean you had to leave like that?"

"Because I didn't want you to die for me."

"and why would you worry about that? Carlos was found dead... it meant we were all a lot safer..."

"What if he wasn't dead?"

He just shook his head. "I don't even want to know."

I knew he would think I was crazy, and would either laugh or start yelling again, but went on anyway "They only assumed the body belonged to Carlos. They had no DNA evidence, the body was far too beaten and burned...so they say anyway. They found his wallet...and his car was parked out back... but what if that was to mislead everybody. What if he had died, but came back as a vampire. Traci did it, I don't know exactly how it works... what if he figured it out? Obviously he was dead... I doubt it would have taken him more than a couple days to seek revenge. It definitely wouldn't take 3 years. I  just couldn't know back then that he was dead, and I kept imagining that you would have been his first victim. I know you would have do anything for me...anything to protect me. It would make it too easy for him to get you, and having you die would hurt me more than anything."

"That is the craziest thing I have ever heard... but I know you mean every word of it. I would have gladly died for you though... We dealt with the whole Carlos thing together right from the start, I would have been there until the end... whatever the end had been."

"I couldn't have handled one second of the thought that you had died as revenge for what I had done, what you had no part in. I would never have been able deal with having a part in your death. Dealing with giving you up, and what it did you has been hard enough...and obviously I haven't done very well with it... but I would far rather deal with that."

"And there was no way you could have told me that at least, so I wouldn't wonder what the hell happened?"

"It needed to be the way it was, It had to be real. I know otherwise you wouldn't have been able to stay out of the way and I wasn't going to leave to protect you only to have you get killed anyway. There's also the fact that had Carlos been alive he would have needed to believe it too, he would have needed to believe that I had given up on you... that I wasn't interested anymore. If he realized the real reason, he would have gone after you. I couldn't let those thoughts leave my head... I couldn't let anybody hear them."

"I just really wish you hadn't had though of that though. Especially since it wasn't true... we wouldn't have lost everything for nothing."

I took a deep breath... I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to my question, but I also had to know it."Is it really gone though?"

He sighed and shook his head, I knew before he spoke what that meant. "I wish I could say no...especially with what you just told me...thing just aren't the same now though. The damage is already done... the reason why doesn't change that. I'm sorry... you can still stay here as long as you need to, in fact I won't let you leave until I know you won't kill yourself."

"Sometimes damage can be fixed... just because something is damaged, it doesn't mean it has to be forever. You just have to do the work to fix it."

"Sometimes it's just too much to fix. Why don't we both think about it for a day or two?"

I nodded, I didn't need time to think about it. I just hoped that his decision would change. "That's probably a good idea."

12/02/2011

From Farm to Fame- Chapter 25

It had been slightly more than 3 years since I had left Gaige and my children, I'd begun to realize it was all for nothing. I was not protecting them from anything. I'd just hurt the person who meant the most to me, who had stayed by my side through everything... proving everyday just how much he loved me. We'd been through so much together, and I had thrown it away...for nothing. I regretted it everyday.

I regreted it most standing at the edge of the bridge, reflecting back on the day. It was the kind of day I would have gone home trying to act as if everything was okay because I wouldn't want to worry Gaige or cause him to over react, but he would have seen through it. Demanded to know what happened, and threaten to go out after revenge. Still he'd stay with me, arms wrapped around me trying to make me feel better. I'd try to convince him to just let it go, I didn't want him getting involved and risking getting hurt. Of course I had been the one to hurt him in the end. He hated me now, and it would be the waves of the river wrapped around me, only offering the comfort that soon everything would be over. I would no longer feel pain or regret, I would fail at nothing else, I would finally be free.

The words that had set everything in motion that day echoed in my head as I took a deep breath and moved even closer to the edge...close enough that my toes hung over the edge. "Love, can I get an order of you to go." The pervert at the diner, his voice had the same sinister tone that Carlos' did, and I imagine that had I ever turned around to look at him he would have the same creepy grin. Guys like that were all the same, I didn't need to look over to know that. I had ignored him, and been fired. Explaining to my boss why hadn't helped, he insisted girls like me were servers for a reason. He'd fired me in front of everybody in the diner,  with 20 or so customers and staff watching. I was embarassed, and took the walk of shame out, I could see his shadow as he followed me out, still yelling various lines at me. I have no idea when he vanished, but by the time I had gotten to the bridge I'd had enough of it all. Enough of life.

I turned around, I decided I would fall back into the water below, I didn't want to watch the water and rocks approaching and wonder which one would kill me first. I saw her face when I turned around, Roxanne she had been one of my co-workers at the dinner and was also my best...and only... friend. I felt bad watching the look of horror spread across her usually smiling and bubbly face, but it would be the last time I would dissappoint anybody. "Rachelle, what the hell are you doing? Stop it right now. Don't be stupid."

"Please go away."

"No, just don't be like this. Come on, I know you're emarassed and upset, but this can't be your solution."

"I failed at everything. I failed at life. I have nothing to live for. "

"You haven't failed at life until you die, and you aren't dead yet. You don't have to fail. You just have to stop running from things. Stop running and face things head on, maybe you'll stop failing."

"Running is easier. Even when I try to face things head on, I fail. Why wouldn't I just run?"

"Fine, then we will run together. You from your life, and me from the misery of losing my best friend." She stood beside me on the bridge and linked her arm through mine. "On the count of 3?"

I pulled myself free. "I hate you for that."

"And I hate you for making me do that. Now let's get as far away from here as possible."

Defeated I climbed into her car, she locked the doors as soon as we were both in. "Now you can't get away. I'm in control. You don't get to make decisions now, you have to go wherever I take you."

"Which is where?"

"I don't know. We're just going to drive and see what happens. We'll get you out of this town, and maybe you'll calm down enough to find your common sense."

"Isn't that the same as running?"

"Yes it is, but it's better than running towards death. Sometimes exceptions have to be made."

I didn't bother telling her that we would never stop driving if we were waiting until I was no longer about to kill myself. I wanted out of life, I wanted my freedom from everything that had happened. I would never change my mind.

Day faded into night  and night back day, and still we drove. We only stopped to get gas or make stops at the bathroom... following me right to the door and waiting right outside it. I felt like a criminal or something. We didn't speak to  each other at all, I just found myself going between fits of anger and clenching my fists while fighting back the urge to say anything... I knew I shouldn't have been angry, and fit of sadness and just crying until the sadness turned back into anger. I didn't know however, what to feel when we passed in front of a familar house. There were so many emotions to choose between, fear was the one that sunk in when the car came to a stop out front.

I heard a click and noticed the door had been unlocked. "I think it's safe to let you out now. I don't think you will be able to run from here, I think somebody else will stop you." She smiled, and I noticed that she had been looking at the window of the house, where they were standing and watching us.

"I think this is the worst  place to be right now...let's just keep going please."

"Actually I think this exactly where I was looking for, this is where I wanted to take you the whole time. Like I said you don't get to make decisions anymore, so I decided to make this one for you. We're not leaving now, I am. You are not."

12/01/2011

From Farm to Fame- Chapter 24

I hated all the questions my parent's asked me. You know; What happened? Are you okay? Did he hurt you? What are you hiding from us? Are you sure you're okay? I knew it was only because they cared, and not intended to annoy me, but I really didn't want to talk about it...at all. I just wanted to forget it all, absolutely everything, right from leaving the farm for Bridgeport. It just wasn't that easy. Leaving Gaige and my children was the hardest thing I had ever done, and I didn't want to remember what I had left behind...forgetting would make it a lot easier to deal with. It was true that I thought they would be better off without me, trouble always found me. I wasn't going to let it hurt the people I cared about, I didn't want them to suffer just for knowing me. Gaige just didn't understand, but it was probably better that way...better for him to hate me and move on with his life...not wait around for me come back.

I realized it all meant that I would have to once again leave the farm, I couldn't let my parents or brother get caught in the middle of everything either. I would miss them too, and driving out in my repaired truck I realized that I was all alone, alone like I'd never been before... I'd removed everybody I cared about from my life. I drove until I came across a town that seemed as lonely and depressing as I felt, the town of Twinbrook. It seemed fitting....I had no desire to be happy anymore anyway.

I found a cheap house, it was small and ugly, and the fog crept in from outside... but it was cheap and it really didn't matter how nice it was or was not. I found a job at the local diner, the pay sucked and my boss was a jerk...but it paid the bills, of course it barely did so. The only that really bothered me was the fact that I still had one goodbye left, or more accurately two goodbyes left, and one last call to make to Gaige. One call I knew would be awkward and difficult, and I put off longer than I should have.

It scared me to make, and my hands shook as I tried to dial making it even harder... though I hadn't expect him to answer. It would have be easier talking to his voicemail, though it would have seemed cruel, I also didn't think it would have made things any worse. "What the hell do you want? If you called to ask for forgiveness you can just hang up...it's not going to happen. I meant that." I could tell he was still just as angry as he had been at the rest stop.

"and I meant that I want to leave...I'm not calling for forgiveness." I shook my head at myself....want wasn't the right word...I didn't want things to be this way... I just needed the to be. Want and need are two very different things.

He didn't even give me a chance to continue, and he sounded very annoyed already. "Then what is it. Just get to the point."

He was making this even harder than I imagine it would be and I could barely get out one word... I would rather have died than finished the conversation "Twins..."

"What about the twins? If you want to be part of their lives again you can forget that too. I won't allow it...they're already suffering enough. Haylie cries for you every single night, I can't trust you not to abandon them again....they don't need that. They just need to forget you."

It broke my heart to hear that, and the tears I'd been fighting back since I dialled the phone snuck out, it was just too much. I had to take a moment so I could calm do enough to endure the rest of the conversation.  "No, it's not about Haylie and Ian."

"Then just get to the point already, like I asked. I don't have time for this garbage, and I don't really want to talk to you anyway."

"Our twins... I'm pregnant with twins... two girls. I figured you should know now...rather than being surprised later."

I braced myself for his reaction... I didn't know what to expect but I didn't think it would be pleasant. He remained silent for several minutes, until I couldn't take the silence any longer. "Gaige? Are you okay? Are you still there even?"

He didn't sound angry or annoyed anymore, but his voice was flat and almost emotionless... I couldn't tell what he really felt. "I don't really know what to say now... I'm going to have 5 kids to look after now. 4 had barely settled in."

"I'm sorry..."

"This would just be easier if you hadn't left, and it would still have been difficult to process. I have no idea how I'm going to manage."

"You're a great father... if anybody can handle it you can. You could handle me, and 3 children...that should be the equivalent of like 5 children. At least you don't have to say good-bye to them. None of this is easy for me, but I know it's better this way... I'm sorry I can't make you see that." I did wish I could make him understand and maybe make it easier... he was still so upset and I felt horrible for it.

His was no longer emotionless, but once again full of anger. "Don't start that crap again. This was all your choice, I doubt you actually do care, but either way you brought it on yourself and you'll get what you deserve." He hung up.

I was relieved in a way when the babies finally came, perhaps without being pregnant and having to worry about them or saying goodbye to them, I would be able to do what I wanted so bad to do and forget everything. Forget what had made my life so miserable, and what I had done to make it that way. It didn't get any easier though, I didn't forget. I went back to work as soon as I could, and my days consisted of me going to work only because I had to before going home and spending my night crying and wishing I wasn't even alive. My life was barely worth living anymore, I'd known that since I left Gaige, it had just become less worthwhile.