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12/01/2011

From Farm to Fame- Chapter 24

I hated all the questions my parent's asked me. You know; What happened? Are you okay? Did he hurt you? What are you hiding from us? Are you sure you're okay? I knew it was only because they cared, and not intended to annoy me, but I really didn't want to talk about it...at all. I just wanted to forget it all, absolutely everything, right from leaving the farm for Bridgeport. It just wasn't that easy. Leaving Gaige and my children was the hardest thing I had ever done, and I didn't want to remember what I had left behind...forgetting would make it a lot easier to deal with. It was true that I thought they would be better off without me, trouble always found me. I wasn't going to let it hurt the people I cared about, I didn't want them to suffer just for knowing me. Gaige just didn't understand, but it was probably better that way...better for him to hate me and move on with his life...not wait around for me come back.

I realized it all meant that I would have to once again leave the farm, I couldn't let my parents or brother get caught in the middle of everything either. I would miss them too, and driving out in my repaired truck I realized that I was all alone, alone like I'd never been before... I'd removed everybody I cared about from my life. I drove until I came across a town that seemed as lonely and depressing as I felt, the town of Twinbrook. It seemed fitting....I had no desire to be happy anymore anyway.

I found a cheap house, it was small and ugly, and the fog crept in from outside... but it was cheap and it really didn't matter how nice it was or was not. I found a job at the local diner, the pay sucked and my boss was a jerk...but it paid the bills, of course it barely did so. The only that really bothered me was the fact that I still had one goodbye left, or more accurately two goodbyes left, and one last call to make to Gaige. One call I knew would be awkward and difficult, and I put off longer than I should have.

It scared me to make, and my hands shook as I tried to dial making it even harder... though I hadn't expect him to answer. It would have be easier talking to his voicemail, though it would have seemed cruel, I also didn't think it would have made things any worse. "What the hell do you want? If you called to ask for forgiveness you can just hang up...it's not going to happen. I meant that." I could tell he was still just as angry as he had been at the rest stop.

"and I meant that I want to leave...I'm not calling for forgiveness." I shook my head at myself....want wasn't the right word...I didn't want things to be this way... I just needed the to be. Want and need are two very different things.

He didn't even give me a chance to continue, and he sounded very annoyed already. "Then what is it. Just get to the point."

He was making this even harder than I imagine it would be and I could barely get out one word... I would rather have died than finished the conversation "Twins..."

"What about the twins? If you want to be part of their lives again you can forget that too. I won't allow it...they're already suffering enough. Haylie cries for you every single night, I can't trust you not to abandon them again....they don't need that. They just need to forget you."

It broke my heart to hear that, and the tears I'd been fighting back since I dialled the phone snuck out, it was just too much. I had to take a moment so I could calm do enough to endure the rest of the conversation.  "No, it's not about Haylie and Ian."

"Then just get to the point already, like I asked. I don't have time for this garbage, and I don't really want to talk to you anyway."

"Our twins... I'm pregnant with twins... two girls. I figured you should know now...rather than being surprised later."

I braced myself for his reaction... I didn't know what to expect but I didn't think it would be pleasant. He remained silent for several minutes, until I couldn't take the silence any longer. "Gaige? Are you okay? Are you still there even?"

He didn't sound angry or annoyed anymore, but his voice was flat and almost emotionless... I couldn't tell what he really felt. "I don't really know what to say now... I'm going to have 5 kids to look after now. 4 had barely settled in."

"I'm sorry..."

"This would just be easier if you hadn't left, and it would still have been difficult to process. I have no idea how I'm going to manage."

"You're a great father... if anybody can handle it you can. You could handle me, and 3 children...that should be the equivalent of like 5 children. At least you don't have to say good-bye to them. None of this is easy for me, but I know it's better this way... I'm sorry I can't make you see that." I did wish I could make him understand and maybe make it easier... he was still so upset and I felt horrible for it.

His was no longer emotionless, but once again full of anger. "Don't start that crap again. This was all your choice, I doubt you actually do care, but either way you brought it on yourself and you'll get what you deserve." He hung up.

I was relieved in a way when the babies finally came, perhaps without being pregnant and having to worry about them or saying goodbye to them, I would be able to do what I wanted so bad to do and forget everything. Forget what had made my life so miserable, and what I had done to make it that way. It didn't get any easier though, I didn't forget. I went back to work as soon as I could, and my days consisted of me going to work only because I had to before going home and spending my night crying and wishing I wasn't even alive. My life was barely worth living anymore, I'd known that since I left Gaige, it had just become less worthwhile.