From Farm to Fame- Chapter 22

The breaking news report came on, Carlos had been found dead in a burned down old house, it was way faster than I had expected it to be. I expected it to be days before I found out he died, or hours before he came after me... but I wouldn't have been able to relax until I knew he was dead. Gaige was thrilled with the news.

"It's about time, just too bad I wasn't the one kill him. Whoever did deserves a million dollars."

I sat in silence, I was relieved in a way, but the feeling of guilt had only worsened. I knew he deserved it, but I didn't enjoy being part of others pain, no matter how much they deserved it.

"I thought you'd be even happier, why do you look so miserable? You don't actually miss him do you?"
I shook my head no.

"Then why do you look so sad. I don't get it."

"You remember earlier when you asked me what was going on?" It turned out that he had been in the kitchen and overheard part of the conversation between Traci and I, but not enough to know what was happening, and I wouldn't tell him.

"I remember yes, why?"

I sighed, I still didn't really want to tell him, but knew I should. "That girl.... she was the one who killed Carlos. She wanted my help to get him to go to that house so she find him easily, but not be seen by anybody. I just feel bad for helping, even though it's better that he's dead."

"That just proves that you're still a good person. I think you are the only person in the world who would feel guilty. I love that about you, but don't be upset about it. You can't change it now anyway."

"Yeah tell that to Haylie and Ian, I'm sure they'd love to hear why their father is dead." I stood up and started to walk away.

"Wait. If that is what is making you feel so guilty, don't. They were never going to get to see him anyway, it's not like they are going to miss anything. He might as well be dead to them. They have somebody to love them as a father would, you know how much they mean to me. They don't even have to know the difference."

"I don't think we can hide the difference. You may able to be love them just the same as if they were your own, but they aren't going to be too dumb to know the difference. You look at Ian and tell me he doesn't look like Carlos. They're going to want to know who their real father is, they're going to want to know him, and the only thing they'll ever get to know is that he is dead." I just started to cry, it was so hard to deal with, I wished I could go back and change it. All of it, right from leaving the farm. It would mean not knowing Gaige, and never having my babies, but nobody else would pay the price for my mistakes.

Gaige pulled me close, and held me tight. "It'll be ok."

"No it won't."

"It will. I know what it's like not to have either parent, they'll be just fine. They have us here to support them if nothing else, it'll be ok. Just please don't be upset. I hate this, I've never seen you this upset. I just want to make it better."

I pulled myself away from him. "I just need to get out of here, away from it all."

"Where do you want to go? We'll go wherever you want."

"I want to go home. To the farm. Alone, I want to forget all of this. I want to stop messing everything up for everybody else."

"You don't mean that do you? I know you're upset right now, but it'll get better.It's not always going to feel this way. Please don't leave, just stay. I can't lose you Rachelle."  I watched as the hurt spread across the face, the look would haunt me for the rest of my life.

"Yes, I do mean it. I'm sorry. I love you, and I love them. I'm always going to, which is why I need to go."

I left without looking back, I couldn't handle seeing what I was leaving behind me, I knew it would just make me stay... but it was better if I didn't. I drove my truck until I found a roadside turnout along the highway, I stopped there for the night. I knew I shouldn't have been driving at all, I was to upset to pay attention to what I was doing, but I had to get as far as I did.