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12/05/2011

From Farm to Fame- Chapter 26

I was desperate to convince Roxanne to just drive away. Gaige and I hadn't spoken since I had called him to say I was having twins. The thought of trying to talk to him after so long, and after how things had gone the last couple times we'd talked, was terrifying.  "Please... this is just going to make things worse. Let's go... now."

She was just as determined to get me to talk to him, and I could hear the frustration in her voice when I protested "Just go talk to him. I know he won't let you go when he finds out that you tried to kill yourself. Maybe your relationship won't be saved, but I'm sure he still cares about you and wouldn't let you do anything stupid."

"He hates me, he'll just slam the door in my face."

She grinned. "I don't think so... he's coming over right now!"

"Probably to tell us to go away."

The next thing I new she had rolled down the window and Gaige was yelling at me through it. "What are you doing here? I thought I made clear how I felt about you coming back, and that I don't really feel like talking to you at all. So if you actually have something to say make it quick, otherwise go away...and do that quick too."

Roxanne spoke before I could, I had no idea how she could sound calm... I was panicking and would have stumbled through an apology before taking off had it been my choice. "I brought her here. I'm sorry. I just don't know what else to do... "

"and why am I the solution? Whatever the problem is, it can be solved without me. That is the choice she made in leaving."

"The problem is that she wants to kill herself. I don't know how to fix it... I can only postpone it. Maybe since part of it has to do with you though, you can fix it."

He sighed, but I could still hear the anger in is his voice, I avoided looking at him and kept my head down. "Rachelle, get inside...now."

I was too scared not to do so, and fumbled trying to get my seatbelt off and open the door.  The walk up to the house was the most awkward times of my life, I was terrified of what would happen inside. I imagined it would involve a lot of yelling, mostly about how he hated me and thought I deserved to die.

We barely made it past the door and stood in silence for several minutes, I could tell he was trying to figure out what to say without yelling at me and I was just trying to brace myself for the fact that he probably was going to yell at me anyway. I didn't think he would be able to hold back his hatred for me.

He didn't yell when he finally found something to say, but he failed to mask any of his anger...it still crept through his voice. "Why would you want to kill yourself?"

I tried to avoid eye contact, and nervously muttered a reponse. "Because I couldn't come home..."

That was all it had taken to get him yelling again, the anger and frustration in his voice stronger than I'd ever heard it before. Stronger than at the rest stop, and stronger than it had been on the phone. "Don't give me that crap. You didn't even think twice about leaving you were just gone... and you've been gone for over 3 years. Don't tell me that you were going to kill yourself because you couldn't come home, I don't believe it for a second."

I stepped back, I felt sick to my stomach with fear. "It's true... I mean it wasn't the only reason but it was the biggest one. I justed wanted to be able to come home to things the way the were before. You'd hold me close and tight and promise me that everything would be okay... I may not have been able to believe that it would be okay, but it still always made me feel better."

"Last time I tried to do that for you, you left. Do you have any idea how much time i've spent wondering why you didn't feel that you could trust me to support you... especially after everything we'd already been through?" He paused for a moment, when he didn't yell when he continued, and the anger was replaced with sadness and confusion "When you didn't know that I would have done anything to make it better, and to help you through whatever was wrong... I knew it meant we had a problem. I often wondered if I had done something wrong, and I always wondered when we started to have problems and I didn't notice. I would have done anything to fix them, and I would have thought you would have done the same."

The feeling of sickness only worsened, and I started to cry... I felt so guilty "I did know that you would do anything for me. Of course I knew that, I never doubted that, and that's exactly why I had to leave. I never wanted you to feel as if you had anything to do with it...and I'm so sorry for that."

"Why was my wanting to support you such a bad thing, why did it mean you had to leave like that?"

"Because I didn't want you to die for me."

"and why would you worry about that? Carlos was found dead... it meant we were all a lot safer..."

"What if he wasn't dead?"

He just shook his head. "I don't even want to know."

I knew he would think I was crazy, and would either laugh or start yelling again, but went on anyway "They only assumed the body belonged to Carlos. They had no DNA evidence, the body was far too beaten and burned...so they say anyway. They found his wallet...and his car was parked out back... but what if that was to mislead everybody. What if he had died, but came back as a vampire. Traci did it, I don't know exactly how it works... what if he figured it out? Obviously he was dead... I doubt it would have taken him more than a couple days to seek revenge. It definitely wouldn't take 3 years. I  just couldn't know back then that he was dead, and I kept imagining that you would have been his first victim. I know you would have do anything for me...anything to protect me. It would make it too easy for him to get you, and having you die would hurt me more than anything."

"That is the craziest thing I have ever heard... but I know you mean every word of it. I would have gladly died for you though... We dealt with the whole Carlos thing together right from the start, I would have been there until the end... whatever the end had been."

"I couldn't have handled one second of the thought that you had died as revenge for what I had done, what you had no part in. I would never have been able deal with having a part in your death. Dealing with giving you up, and what it did you has been hard enough...and obviously I haven't done very well with it... but I would far rather deal with that."

"And there was no way you could have told me that at least, so I wouldn't wonder what the hell happened?"

"It needed to be the way it was, It had to be real. I know otherwise you wouldn't have been able to stay out of the way and I wasn't going to leave to protect you only to have you get killed anyway. There's also the fact that had Carlos been alive he would have needed to believe it too, he would have needed to believe that I had given up on you... that I wasn't interested anymore. If he realized the real reason, he would have gone after you. I couldn't let those thoughts leave my head... I couldn't let anybody hear them."

"I just really wish you hadn't had though of that though. Especially since it wasn't true... we wouldn't have lost everything for nothing."

I took a deep breath... I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to my question, but I also had to know it."Is it really gone though?"

He sighed and shook his head, I knew before he spoke what that meant. "I wish I could say no...especially with what you just told me...thing just aren't the same now though. The damage is already done... the reason why doesn't change that. I'm sorry... you can still stay here as long as you need to, in fact I won't let you leave until I know you won't kill yourself."

"Sometimes damage can be fixed... just because something is damaged, it doesn't mean it has to be forever. You just have to do the work to fix it."

"Sometimes it's just too much to fix. Why don't we both think about it for a day or two?"

I nodded, I didn't need time to think about it. I just hoped that his decision would change. "That's probably a good idea."