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4/15/2012

From Farm to Fame: Haylie- Chapter Four


It seemed like it was forever before I was finally ready to move in with Chase, though I had frequently spend the night with him, I still needed time with him too and sometimes I just needed to be away from the gloomy depressing feeling at home. As time went on I started spending more nights with him than I did at home, but  I did still worry about moving out of home and wanted to make sure I spent some time there too. Everybody was finally starting to pick up the pieces of their lives, but was still struggling to do so. It was slightly surprising how difficult Merissa's death was, when we hardly knew her, but I think that was why. We all regretted not getting to know her better, and that chance was gone... forever. The only reason I did finally decide it was time was that I had found out I was pregnant, with twins. It was time for me to worry about the family I was starting, the one that would depend on me to care for them and guide them through life because they wouldn't yet be able to do so themselves.

I was excited, and slightly surprised that Chase was too. I'd always though convincing him to have children would be a difficult process, I knew he'd be a good father but I didn't think he ever thought he would be.  I did however know that nobody else was going to be excited by the news. Everybody hated Chase, especially dad and Ian, they were convinced he would just torture me like my mom had been tortured and that I needed to leave him. I hadn't even said a word to either of them about his past and why he was sent away to boarding school, so I wondered what had caused them to think such a thing. I was glad I wouldn't have to tell them quite yet, and wondered how long I could get away with it for.

To make starting our own little family even sweeter Chase took me down to the beach to propose. It was sweet, and simple."I've been wanting to do this for a long time, since we came back here. It just didn't seem right with your sister's death... but it does now with this wonderful start we're going to have to our family and the fact that you're finally moving in. I think it's the only thing we have left to do to bring everything together. Haylie, will you marry me?"

Of course I said, "yes." Okay.... I attempted to say it but I think it was inaudible through my cries of joy.

Life seemed to be moving in the right direction. It almost seemed perfect. I still had moments of sadness for Merissa's death, but I knew I'd have those forever, and I wished Mom would be around to see her grandchildren. It was as good as it was going to get considering. I couldn't change the past, I could only worry about the present and the future and they both looked pretty good.

We planned to renovate the house, while we had to get set up for the babies anyway. We were going to do it all ourselves to reduce the cost, though money wasn't much of an issue... dad made sure everybody was taken care of and we all had a decent amount of money set aside. I learned from him though that all that money was earned by being careful how it was spent. He too did any repairs and renovations himself, he said it didn't make sense to pay somebody to do something he could do himself and for free. I still felt bit nervous about doing it ourselves, just in case something went wrong. I had reason too I guess, and I wish I'd listened to that feeling rather than dad's advice. I came home from shopping one day to find Chase laying lifeless on the ground with everything around him charred and blacked in a layer of ash. I could just feel my heart shatter into a million pieces, I didn't even want to think of my life without him and I didn't know how I would manage it.

Dad immediately began jumping to conclusions when I showed up back at home crying hysterically. "I knew he'd hurt you, and just like I promised I'm going to kill him."

I just angered me that he would just jump to that conclusion. I was tired of him judging Chase, not that it would matter anymore."I'm sure you'd take great pleasure in that, but he's already dead. Sorry you didn't get the chance to do it yourself. At least he's dead though right, that's what you want. You hated him, though you never gave him a chance, so it's okay that he's dead and my whole life is shattered. I have to figure out how to raise two babies on my own... they won't even get to know him. They aren't even born yet and they've already had that taken away from them. It's okay though because you wanted him dead right?"Guess I couldn't hide it for very long after all. I hadn't meant to say anything about being pregnant but I was flooded with all kinds of emotions from being scared to hurt to angry. It just slipped out.

Dad looked like he didn't know what to say, it certainly wasn't news he was prepared for. He bounced back from it pretty quick though, and tried to console me and act as if I hadn't just freaked him out. He was so good at acting strong when he needed to, I wished I knew his secret for that. "Okay, I'm sorry. He just gave me a bad feeling, it seemed very likely that he would have done something to you. I don't like seeing you like this either, I worried about what he would do to you because I only want you kids to all have the best lives possible. I don't want to see you this upset about anything. Now don't you worry about those babies, you have plenty of help right here. They'll be okay, and you will too. I know it's hard to see right now, but everything will be okay."

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. This is just so hard, and scary."

"It's okay, I understand... it natural to have those feelings right now."

"Right... you've been through this before. How did you handle it when mom died?"

"I can't answer that for you. It won't do you any good. Everybody handles grief differently, you need to figure out how you do on your own. I'm here if you need anything though, I can help if you need it, I just can't tell you what to do." It was never any use asking him anything about mom's death, some times I wondered why he refused to say anything about it, but that time I knew he was right. I had to figure it out myself.

I don't really remember much of the next several months however, they just passed by me without any purpose or meaning. I wasn't doing a very good job of figuring out how I needed to grieve to move on. I don't really remember anything until I went into labour. I do remember seeing those precious little faces for the first time though. Two perfect little girls, Ericka who looked more like me, and Maya who looked more like Chase. They brought on a whole new set of emotions, ones that made it hurt to look at their precious little faces that made me think of him, and ones that made me feel joy and relief because I knew I still had a part of him. Either way I loved them more than anything, whatever hurt they brought me there was joy to balance it out and it was worth it.