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4/28/2012

From Farm to Fame: Haylie- Chapter Five


I was never a deep sleeper, but having babies I slept even lighter. The slightest noise that they made woke me, even if it was just a noise they made because they figured out that they could do so and wanted to try it out. It was no surprise when I nearly hit the ceiling after Ericka starting crying with a tone that meant something was upsetting her, way more than a dirty diaper or hunger. I couldn't get out of bed fast enough to find out what was wrong, there was no speed any human could move at that was fast enough, it scared me to hear my baby in pain.

There was somebody standing over her crib, a woman I didn't know. I was ready to attack them when they started speaking. Quiet and gentle, like I would talk to my babies, like they cared. "Shhhh sweetie, it's okay. Let's not wake mommy okay." She was picking Ericka up and her cries got louder and more desperate, finally managing to make Maya cry too. I couldn't attack her with my baby in her arms, but my fear and desperation grew "Oh you look so much like her, yes you do. You're such a beautiful baby, yes you are"

I tried to stay calm and not yell or startle her, not while the life of my fragile innocent baby was in her hands, literally. I could tell as I spoke that I wasn't managing to keep my voice very calm however. "Mommy's already awake. Who are you, and what are you doing?"

She turned around, and I gasped. I did know her, though I didn't know how it was possible. "Mom?" Something was strange about her, it made me uncomfortable. Her eyes and skin glowed, and she looked like she had aged since the day she supposedly died. She didn't seem human.

"Yes sweetie, I'm sorry. I don't mean to scare you, and I'm not here to hurt them... I just had to see them... they're my grandbabies." She turned to put Ericka back in her crib, and I took advantage of the opportunity to pick her up myself, holding her as tight as I could without hurting her and trying to calm her down. I wanted to cry myself, but it wasn't the time.

I'd spent 15 years wishing mom was alive, suddenly knowing that she was but had lied about it I just wished she'd go away...I wished she was dead. All I could feel was anger, who lied about dying? "No, you don't get to act like a grandparent. You couldn't even act like a mother.  If you don't want to be a part of my life, you don't get to be part of theirs. Why do you even care about them when you obviously don't care about me? And how am I supposed to trust you? You lied about your death, that's just wrong. It's disgusting, you make me sick. I wish you were dead."

"Sweetie please..."

I interrupted her. "Don't call me sweetie. Just don't, don't act like you care. Just give it up."

She disappeared faster than I could blink, and felt relief for a moment thinking she'd given up, at least for the time being. I realized the real reason when I looked up and noticed Ian standing at my bedroom door looking concerned. "What's going on? Who are you yelling at?" Hey looked around the room, and I could tell he was wondering if I'd gone insane and been yelling at myself.

"It's nothing. Uh... do you mind babysitting for a bit? I need air or something. After I get them back to sleep of course." I tried to smile, but was sure he'd be able to tell it was faked... he knew me far too well. We had that weird twin thing where we could just feel it when the other one was out of sorts, but we were extremely close anyway... so I really had no way to hide anything from him.

"Yeah sure. Will you tell me what's wrong when you get back? I know it's not nothing. I'm not an idiot."

I sighed and shook my head, I wouldn't even know how to tell him. I didn't think I could, it was just too weird, and obviously she wanted to hide from him too. "You wouldn't believe me if I did."

He gave me a confused look. "I think you do need air or something, maybe some sleep. You should just let us worry about them for a day or two, just relax. I think you're too tired."

"So you think I've gone insane basically."

"That's not what I said."

"But it's what you meant."

"You were yelling, and nobodies here. Unless you were yelling at your babies, I don't think yelling at them that way is a good sign either."

"I really don't know how to explain it, but I swear I haven't gone insane."

"Well I hope that's true."

"It is."

I ran into dad coming home from the hospital as I was leaving, and was hit with the realization that he probably knew about mom all along. He was probably the reason she was around, the one who let her in the house. It made sense how he seemed to be affected by her death so little, it wasn't that he was strong it was that he had nothing to mourn. He lied too, he was just as pathetic, I hated him too.

I ignored him and kept going until I found a club and decided to go in. I wasn't really into the whole club thing, but I thought I might be able to distract myself for a bit. I didn't drink either, not more than the odd drink at dinner, even that was rare. I just headed for the pool table. I played alone but it wasn't very distracting, until I heard a voice behind me. Smooth but deep, almost alluring, I recognized it immediately. It was Bryon. "Mind if I join?"

 I wondered what he was doing in Starlight Shores, but didn't bother to ask. It was nice to see him, but my mind wasn't in the place for a real conversation with him. He was probably just being polite anyway, he probably didn't really want to see me at all. He probably hated me. He was just a nice person, who had a hard time being rude to anybody even if they deserved it, which I did."Yeah sure, go for it."

"Is everything okay? You seem upset about something." I looked up at him and I could see the concern in his face, I was surprised that he actually cared enough to be concerned.

I felt that sudden urge to tell him and seek comfort from him like I always had before, he was always a great listener and great at making everything seem okay, but it didn't really seem like the time or place to do so."I'm fine."

"You don't sound convinced about that."

"I am"

"You're not. I know it's been a few years, but I think I still know you well enough to know when you're upset."

He hadn't changed a bit, he wasn't going to give up, and I gave into the urge to tell him. Or broke down into that urge. I leaned over the table crying, and somewhat incoherently rambled through the whole story, right from Merissa's death when everything started to go wrong."Everything. Merissa died. My fiance died leaving me to figure out how I'm supposed to raise our babies when half the time I don't even know how I'm supposed to keep myself together. Somehow I've managed just fine, until my stupid mother showed up pretending to be a good grandmother when she's not even a good mother. I can't take anymore. I can't take having to worry about whether my babies are even safe or not, I can't take know I wasn't good enough for my mother so she faked her own death. I don't even know what to do. I can't stay at home, I can't even stand the sight of my father, or knowing that my mother is there somewhere somehow. I don't know where to go. I can't take anymore of this, it's too much. I just can't do this anymore."

I let him pull me in to a hug and continued to cry on his shoulder, though it felt slightly awkward it was still just as comforting as it had been in the past, it was awkward because of that. "Stay with me."

I pulled back in surprise and looked at him."what?"

"Relax, I don't mean... it won't be like that. I just want to help out my friend, I hate seeing my friends so miserable."

"Are we friends even? This is the first time we've spoken at all since we broke up, that doesn't seem like friends to me, and I know it's my own fault. It's just weird. How do you not hate me? What about the babies? I'm sure you don't want babies crying and keeping you up all night."

"I knew you well enough to know that something wasn't right, you weren't yourself. I just wish I could have been more helpful, but I can't hate you. It's my fault too, I shouldn't have let you go so easily. I'm sorry for that, you should be the one hating me for not supporting you better. This can just be a fresh start so we can be friends again. I don't mind the babies either... I can handle it to help you out." He smiled, I loved his smile. Those beautiful brown eyes that looked so happy already sparkled, and it never failed to make me smile too.

I had to take a moment and think logically, I couldn't just make a decision because of a smile, no matter how beautiful it was."I don't know. I really appreciate the offer, but I just don't know if I can do that either. I don't know if it'll be too awkward."

"Well think about it and let me know. It's okay if it's too uncomfortable for you, just do what's best for you."

"Thanks. I will think about it. I really do appreciate it either way." It would be really hard to decide, I didn't know if I could live with him think about what it was like when we dated. Part of me still loved him, but I'd loved Chase too. Chase was the one I was meant to spend my life with, and it seemed like it would feel weird to live with another man especially one that I did love... even if it no longer meant anything. I didn't love Bryon in the way that I was even remotely interested in being in a romantic relationship with him again, even if I was over Chase's death enough to try moving on, but I did still wish all the best for him and looked forward to being friends again.