Pages

9/05/2013

From Farm to Fame: Lexie- Chapter 3

I kept myself leaned back against the door as I continued to process what had happened, the longer I was there the more the silence crept up on me; the house was seldom so quiet and when it was it never lasted for so long. Somebody was almost always home and awake even at the oddest hours; the TV was almost always on, somebody was always on the phone or talking whoever happened to be home or even a group of friends they had over, somebody stomping around and slamming door mad because they got in trouble, Shane throwing a party because mom and dad weren’t home. There were always the normal household sounds of day to day life that we tuned out too; footsteps as people walked through the house, keys clicking away as somebody typed away on the computer, water running through the washing machine and clothes being tossed around in the dryer, water boiling in a pot on the stove or something frying in the frying pan, water running from a tap, the fireplace crackling; all those little noises that were just so common and hardly noticeable over louder noises that we had no need to pay attention to them, but suddenly I was very aware of their absence. Eventually it became unbearable and I felt like I needed some fresh air.

I stepped outside, but it didn't make me feel any better. It didn’t take long to realize that the van wasn’t parked outside like usual, if I hadn’t known it would never be there again it wouldn’t have bothered me since I would have assumed it would be there in a couple hours when everybody else got home. The van was seldom used, it was old and ugly and guzzled gas, it was only used for family trips when we needed the extra space and of course mom and dad taught us to drive with the van as opposed to their expensive luxury cars; it was normal to see it just parked on the street right outside the house, it was weirder when it wasn't there. It had a few dents in it here and there  from enduring 4 teenagers learning to drive on it, despite seldom being driven it was still always heaped with garbage, and stained from all that had been spilled inside it, it was a mess, but  I couldn’t even imagine what it would look like if I saw it again. I felt lonelier outside too, despite how busy the neighbourhood was; there was a couple walking past across the street, a lady walking her dog down the street on the same side of the house, my neighbour to left out shovelling the side walk, and my neighbour to the right was talking to somebody on their lawn. They were all more or less strangers to me, despite Hidden Springs being such a small town where everybody seemed to know everybody else; I just didn’t really talk to anybody around town. It was a very large, very intimidating world.

I turned to go back inside, I could feel the tears coming, but never made it before I completely lost it and broke down. I didn’t even realize that I was still sitting there when I felt somebody gently lifting me up. I didn’t see who it was as I had my face buried between my knees and my arms wrapped tightly around them. I did recognize the voice softly encourage me to go inside. It was Jayson, I’d completely forgotten he was supposed to come over, but I was glad he was there.
I followed him as wrapped his arm across my back and shoulders and led me inside. 

Once inside he pulled me into a hug. Normally I’d protest such contact with him, but it made me feel slightly less horrible, I rested my head on his shoulder and cried for a little while longer. He didn’t move or say anything until I stopped and started to pull away. “What happened? Are you okay?”

I shook my head “No, I’m not okay.” I didn’t know if I could answer the part about what happened.

“Why? What happened?” I could hear the concern in his voice, and I felt relieved that I at least had him, I knew I could count on him for anything.

I just shook my head, it didn’t really answer the question, but I really didn’t want to.

“Lexie, please tell me. I’ve never seen you this upset, I’m worried. Please tell me so I can help.”

I didn’t even bother trying to use full sentences; I just wanted as few words as possible, because they all hurt to say. “Car crash.” I paused to take a deep breath and tried to calm myself down a bit. “Mom, dad, Shane, Camden…” I stopped. I couldn’t say the last word, dead.

I didn’t need to, he seemed to pick up on what I meant right away and pulled me back into a hug, even tighter than the last one. “I’m so sorry Lexie. Is there anything I can do for you?”

What could anybody do? The only thing that could help was having my family back, and that was impossible for anybody to do for me. “No. I’m… there’s… nobody can do anything.”

“Okay. Let me know if you change your mind. Anything, anytime, I’m here for you.”

“Thank-you.”

“How about somewhere to stay? Do you need somewhere to stay ? I know my parents won’t mind if you crash with us for a bit.”

“No, I’m okay here. I need to be her for Zoe anyway, and my aunts and uncles, and Maya, will probably start showing up within the next couple days anyway.”

“Okay, well again, let me know if that changes.”

“I will. Thanks.”

It was a couple hours before he left. We played video games and chatted about anything we thought of besides the accident, it was a good distraction for a little while. He only left because I felt like being alone. I appreciate him looking out for me and trying to make me feel better, but I just needed to let myself cry and be miserable again, and I really wanted to do so alone for a while. I started a fire in the fireplace and sat down in one of the rocking chairs in front of it; when I was little mom would rock me back and forth until I stopped crying about whatever was upsetting me, we still often sat in the chairs talking over whatever was bugging me even as I got older, sitting there made me feel closer to mom even if she wasn’t there.

I sat there crying for most of the evening, until the crying started to give me a headache. I was just getting up to try and find some Advil or something when I heard a car door slam outside. It would be Zoe, and I was hit with the realization that she still didn’t know and I’d have to be the one to tell her. I hadn’t even thought about how I had to tell her, and I certainly hadn’t thought about how to do so. I tried to start thinking about what I would say before she got in the house, I couldn’t just blurt it out. I wanted to break it to her as gently as possible, I hated her but I didn’t want to inflict that kind of pain on her; I couldn’t even do that to my worst enemy, which is exactly what she was.

Obviously I couldn’t hide that something happened and that I’d been crying, because Zoe didn’t waste a second before pointing it out and snickering, “Wow crying already, and I didn’t even have to do anything. This should be a fun week.”

I tried to just ignore that comment; surely she’d understand when I told her. “Zoe…” I took a deep breath, why me? Why I did I have to be the bearer of bad news? It didn’t seem fair. “They were all killed.”

“And you’re sad about that? Why weren’t you with them?” she sneered.

I had to clench my fists to keep from punching her, or cursing her. I imagined mom walking in to yell at us to stop fighting, and realized it was best to not fight with her, but it was hard to fight the urge to.“ Yes I’m sad about that.” I snapped in response. “I’m not a heartless bitch.” I started to storm off, I wasn’t really sure where I wanted to go, I just had to get away from her. I wanted to curse her or punch her, just hurt her somehow, but it didn’t feel like the right time to start a fight with her; I didn’t have the energy to deal with it. I turned back before stepping out of the living room “You know it’s not a surprise that you would have wished I was there. I’m surprised that you don’t care that your parents are dead, or your brothers, I’m surprised that you couldn’t even care about one of them. I thought even you were better than that. You’re not, you disgust me.  I hate that I’m stuck with you now, that you’re all I have and that I have to deal with all of this while still trying to put up with you. So if you could do me a huge favour, the only thing you ever have to do for me, and just stay the hell out of my life I’d appreciate it.”

I turned back around and continued walking out of the living room, to the front door, and then down the street; I still didn’t know where I was going, I just needed to get out of the house, perhaps nowhere really, maybe I’d just walk until I started to feel better and turn back around for home. Though I supposed if I did that I’d never turn around for home, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling better.