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4/26/2014

From Farm to Fame: Lexie- Chapter 8

I sat beside Zoe on the sofa just waiting until she calmed down enough to talk to me. “Okay, what’s wrong?” I asked after she finally stopped crying.

“I miss them…” She responded wiping the tears away from her eyes; though her mascara still trailed down her face.

“And what brought on this surprising and sudden revelation?” I honestly hadn’t thought she really cared that much. I knew she cared more than she’d let on, but I’d never expected to see her crying so hard over it.

She shrugged. “Dunno. I guess that it’s like you’re trying to take over for mom now, and earlier when I slapped you… they would have been so mad. Of course dad would have already sent us to our rooms before then even, because we weren’t playing nice, mom would have given us a warning and threatened to ground us, me mostly. Then again I’d already be in trouble for leaving a mess.”

“I think mom and dad would have been delighted that the most trouble you've been causing, putting slapping me aside, is making a mess. But, yeah, they hated when we argued.”

“They just hated me, didn’t they? Be honest.”

“They loved you, a lot. They always hated that you’d never call them or answer when they called you, and they were happy when you came home. They missed you a lot whenever you were away.”

“It never seemed like it.”

“Well you didn’t get to see it. You didn’t get to see how sad they looked when you ignored their calls or when you had to go back to school, even when you were around you couldn’t see how happy they were to have you home you didn’t seem to have an interest in being around anybody when you were home and I don’t think you realize how much they really wanted you here.”

“They sent me away, how was I supposed to feel.” Her voiced cracked slightly, like she was about to cry again, though she fought  it back.

“I know, but you did earn it. And they would have been happy to have you home permanently, if you’d stopped getting in so much trouble.”

“I really hated them for sending me away, but now I really miss them. I wish I got along with them like you did, I wish I hadn’t shut them out of my life. I really regret it, and I can’t change it anymore.”

I didn't really know what to say next. I felt like I should tell her that I was sure they'd understood, somehow it seemed like what I was supposed to say, but I didn't know if I could honestly say it and it wouldn't change the past and take away her regrets. We just sat in silence for several more as she started to cry again. “How do you deal with this? How are you always okay with this?” She eventually asked after calming down slightly.

“I fake it, a lot. I’m never okay with this, it always hurts. I always miss them. I still cry about it pretty much every day, usually late at night when I’m all alone and have nothing left but my thoughts. I just have to go on with my life, find things that can distract me and make me feel better at least for a while. It does get easier, and less painful, but so far it hasn’t just all gone away and I know it never will. You just need to do the same, you need to do your grieving and then you need to move on with your life. Someday it will be tolerable again, and someday you’ll be able to feel moments of happiness again. This will always be part of our lives, but it doesn’t have to control them. Mom, dad, Camden, Shane… they wouldn’t want that for us, to suffer like that, they’d want us to move on and find reasons to be happy again…. like we would want for them, because I know you wouldn't want them to suffer either.”

“It doesn’t seem like it’ll get better.”

“I know, I thought that too, but it will. Facing your emotions is a start, I know it’s hard, but it’ll help. Sitting around bottling everything up doesn’t do any good. You need to hurt before you can heal, and you need to admit you’re hurting first. I know how you feel right now is why you wanted to bottle everything up, but it did you no good. Now you can start healing, it won’t be easy, or fast, but you’ll get there. And I’ll be here, if you need me.”

“Why? I don’t even deserve your help. After everything I’ve done to you, you should hate me.”

“Nobody deserves to feel this bad, even you. Besides I know mom and dad would want us to stick together and look after each other, so it’s partly for them too. I don’t want to hate you either, you’re still my sister, and on some level I’ve always wished we could get along better. Seeing this vulnerable side to you, this side that’s hurting because you actually cared about somebody besides yourself, well I felt bad for you. I can’t let you go through this alone.”

“Thanks. And I’m really sorry, for earlier, and for… everything. I really am.”

Her apology caught me by surprise. I'd waited so long for an apology from her for what she done to me but I never expected I would get it. I didn't know if I could believe it, I wanted to, but it was hard to trust her. “I can’t just forgive you because you said sorry. Especially right now, I can’t believe that it’s not just the emotions of this situation and that you won’t go back to how you were before. You have to prove it.”

“I will. I regret that everybody else died and I didn’t really know them, we didn’t get along. I don’t want that to happen with us too... if tragedy should ever strike again.”

“I don’t want that either, so I’ll give you a chance and make the effort to get along too.”

“You won’t regret it I promise.”

We didn’t really say anything else to each other; she got up after little while and went upstairs. I assumed she’d gone to her room, but I gave her a few minutes and went to check on her and make sure she was okay; She was fast asleep in her bed. 

I went back downstairs to start cleaning up. I wasn’t going to try pushing the subject with Zoe anymore, not at that time, I’d just let her grieve. I decided to call Levi as I was cleaning, one last chance to ask for forgiveness; I just hoped he’d answer.

The phone rang several times and I thought he wasn’t going to answer, normally he'd answer me after one or two rings, but he did eventually answer. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just wanted to apologize. I really am sorry. I did want to go out with you today, I just had to deal with Zoe.”

“It’s okay. When you said it was Zoe I figured it was important. I know you wouldn’t blow me off for her otherwise. I just wanted to give you time to deal with whatever it was before responding. So what happened?”

“She finally decided to start grieving. I was just about to leave and she was crying, it worried me because it’s not like her. I ended up trying to console and comfort her.”

“That sounds like fun…”

“Yeah... great fun. It was the best we’ve ever gotten along though, and she apologized for being so horrible to me, so it wasn't all bad.”

“And you believe that?”

“No, but I’m giving her a chance anyway.”

“You’re a nicer person than I am then. Now I’m assuming you’re done dealing with her since you called?”

“Yeah she’s gone to sleep now, so I don’t have to worry about her for a little while at least.”

“There’s still time in the evening if you still want to do something.”

“Meet you at the bistro in a few minutes?” 

“Sounds good.”

He was already there waiting at a table when I arrived, but stood up to greet me, giving me a quick hug and kiss. “I think I’d forgotten how good you looked in all that time.”

“Sweet, but you didn’t see me that little.” I replied as I sat down.

“Yeah, well you were always buried in textbooks even when I did get to see you. I’d forgotten you have a face, I thought I was going see a book floating over a body walking towards me.... or would that be over a desk” He joked.

“Haha, very funny. I am really sorry though, for being such a crappy girlfriend.”

“It’s okay, I could tell how stressed out you were, I’m not mad, but I did miss you. Though I hope you passed everything so we don’t have to do this again.”

I laughed, “Oh just wait, there’s still university. We'll do it all over again, but it'll be worse”

He groaned, “Don’t remind me.”

“I’ll try to be better. No promises I’ll succeed though, you saw how crazy I was, I don't know if I can tame that.”

“Well at least I know what to expect now. Though, speaking of not seeing you throughout university I was wondering if you wanted to come to Isla Paradiso over the summer? I'd like to actually spend time with you before I lose you to your studies again. I was thinking we could take the houseboat because the whole family is probably going at least for a while, so the main house will be cramped and nobody really likes to go out on the houseboat a lot. I think you’d like it though. It still has 2 separate rooms so you can have your space; I know it’s important to you, I don't want that to turn you away.”

“That sounds like fun I’d love to go.”

“Cool. Now I can’t wait for summer.”

“Me neither.”

We spent the rest of the evening talking about the summer and making plans for what we would do; it was still several months away but I was already excited and had so much I was looking forward to doing. 

4/19/2014

From Farm to Fame: Lexie- Chapter 7

It was time for first semester finals before I even knew it. I’d taken all my core courses in my first semester; it gave me a chance to retake them in the second semester if I needed to, and I could apply for university as soon as I got my grades back without worrying that I’d end up failing something that cause them to reject me but It meant that I would have to write 4 diploma exams. It had been hard enough to keep up during the semester; I still had music club to worry about twice a week and I still had to make time to spend with my friends, squeezing it all in while still trying to focus on class and studying outside of class kept me busy.
I’d spent most of winter break at home studying. I had a lot to study and only about a month to study it and I’d had no desire in spending my time around town having the holidays shoved in my face constantly; I just needed to forget why I hated that time of year, what had happened a year earlier, not be reminded of how I much it sucked if you didn’t really have anybody to celebrate with. I’d barely hung out with Jayson, Katrina, or Levi over the holidays. I just really wanted to be left alone to be miserable if I wasn’t studying. They had all just accepted it over the break and let me be.

They weren’t so accepting when classes resumed and I still didn’t want to hang out outside of school; Levi especially. He was getting frustrated with the fact that it seemed like he didn’t really have a girlfriend anymore; I didn’t really blame him, I knew I wasn’t being devoted enough to the relationship, I felt bad but it was only for a month or so and I promised him that we’d spend a lot more time together when exams were over. I still had to promise to take a certain amount of time away from studying to spend with him, but I just felt more stressed out when I wasn’t studying and wasn’t very much fun anyway; I could tell how frustrating it was to him and tried to loosen up a bit but I just couldn’t and I hoped he didn’t hate me by the end of exams.

I did try to take breaks from studying every hour or two; just a few minutes, maybe half an hour, long enough to just clear my mind a bit so I could focus better later but not so long that I started to stress too much about losing time. I usually just wanted to watch TV for a little, but Zoe was still always sitting on the sofa watching TV, she still didn’t do anything else, and she still left a mess all over that I didn’t have time to clean up; I didn’t want to sit in the filth and try to tolerate whatever stupid show she was watching; usually I ended up just taking a walk around the block; the walk around in the fresh air was probably better anyway.

I was relieved when exams were over and I could relax a bit; I even had a few days left of exam break after my final exam so I could relax a bit before going back to school. Levi was happy because I promised to spend almost all of it with him; I even promised to go out with him that night. He did have an exam in the afternoon or I would have met him after my exam in the morning, but it was nice in a way because I could relax at home for a bit and unwind first. I really just wanted to sit down and watch TV, the idea of being able to just sit there and not really have to focus on anything seemed great; I didn’t even care what was on and was willing to watch whatever Zoe wanted to watch. I had however forgotten how bad the mess was and that I just couldn’t deal with. I couldn’t even sit down; I wanted to leave the room as soon as I walked in.

I knew what she would say, but I asked her anyway, “Zoe, can you clean this up please?”

She didn’t even look at me and just kept focused on the TV, “No. You can though.”

“I’m not cleaning up your messes anymore. Please clean it up.”

“Well then I guess you’ll just have to get used to it, ‘cause I’m not cleaning it up.”

“Just clean it up. I can’t deal with this mess.”

“No.”

“Zoe, clean up this mess, now.”

“You’re not mom. Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Ugh you’re so difficult. Why can’t you just clean this up? What is the big deal?”

“I don’t want to and I’m tired of you trying to act like you can make me. What makes you so special that I have to listen to you?”

“What makes you think that you can just leave it all for me? I have enough else to deal with, all you do is sit around on your lazy ass all day and watch TV, the least you could do is clean up after yourself. I’m just tired of you just leaving everything for me to deal with.”

She stood up and walked over to stand in front of me. “I’m just tired of you. 17 years of putting up with you, and now it’s even worse ‘cause you think you’re so special now that mom and dad aren’t here. You think can boss me around and you can’t, I can do whatever the hell I want and you can’t stop me.”

She kept walking but turned around grinning just as she reached the doorway, she walked back over stopped in front of me again and raised her hand, “Nobody can stop me.” She slapped me hard against the side of my face.

“What the hell was that for?”

“Just a reminder that you’re not the boss. How about you clean up that mess now?”

She’d raised her hand again, but I caught it, looked her dead in the eye and warned her, “Just let me remind you that nobody can stop me either and I can do more than just slap you.” Zoe, fortunately, possessed no magical abilities and while the truth was that I didn't know any spells that would do anything more than turn her to for a couple hours, she was terrified and believed I could do a lot worse.

She pulled her hand free and plopped back down on the sofa,“I’m still not cleaning this up.”

“Fine. Whatever. I have to go get ready, I don’t have time to argue with you.”

I still had a couple hours before I had to actually get ready but I didn’t feel like arguing with her or even being around her. I couldn’t believe I once again had to put up with being hit by sister; I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want her so see me doing so. By the time I got to my room I’d decided it wasn’t worth the tears. I texted Levi, Wanna meet up sooner? I'd feel better when I was with him.

I went to cover up the spot where Zoe hit me while I waited for Levi to respond. It only took  a couple minutes along with touching up the rest of my makeup and fixing my hair; Levi still hadn’t responded, but I knew he was probably still writing his exam, I just decided to head out  towards the school anyway.

I was walking past the living room when I heard her sniffling and crying. I was surprised; I’d never seen her cry before and despite still being mad at her over what had happened earlier I felt bad for her. “Zoe, are you okay?”

‘Yeah I’m fine.” She responded between sobs.

“You don’t sound fine. I’ve never seen you cry before, I didn't even know it was something you're capable of, something’s wrong. What is it?”

“Nothing, just leave me alone.” She snapped before standing up to walk away. She was hardly a step past me when she paused, turned around, and went to lean in and cry on my shoulder.

I was too shocked to really know how to respond. “Uh….” I wanted to push her away and just be happy that she was miserable but I realized I couldn’t so I just let her lean her head on my shoulder and awkwardly hugged her trying to comfort her. “Okay, will you tell me what’s wrong now?”

She didn’t respond but just kept crying.

She was still crying on my shoulder when my phone vibrated in my pocket, I had to try digging it out without disturbing her too much; it was Levi’s response to my text, Sure. Where and when?

I dreaded texting him back, because I knew he wouldn’t like that I wasn’t cancelling, but despite the fact that I did want to just let Zoe cry and be miserable on her own I just couldn’t actually bring myself to do it. It didn’t help that it was awkward to text around Zoe and I had to make it brief. Can’t make it. Sorry. Explain later.

He just responded, Don’t bother.

“Well, that should make you happy, you may have just cost me a boyfriend.” I said to Zoe as I texted Levi, It’s Zoe, hoping he’d understand. "My misery usually makes you happy."

It was about an hour before I got her to calm down enough that I could let her go. Levi hadn’t responded at all I still didn’t know if he’d forgive me or not. I wanted just go over to his house and try to talk to him, but instead I went to make some tea for myself and Zoe and prepared for a long night at home with her; though I wondered if it was really the best choice.