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4/26/2014

From Farm to Fame: Lexie- Chapter 8

I sat beside Zoe on the sofa just waiting until she calmed down enough to talk to me. “Okay, what’s wrong?” I asked after she finally stopped crying.

“I miss them…” She responded wiping the tears away from her eyes; though her mascara still trailed down her face.

“And what brought on this surprising and sudden revelation?” I honestly hadn’t thought she really cared that much. I knew she cared more than she’d let on, but I’d never expected to see her crying so hard over it.

She shrugged. “Dunno. I guess that it’s like you’re trying to take over for mom now, and earlier when I slapped you… they would have been so mad. Of course dad would have already sent us to our rooms before then even, because we weren’t playing nice, mom would have given us a warning and threatened to ground us, me mostly. Then again I’d already be in trouble for leaving a mess.”

“I think mom and dad would have been delighted that the most trouble you've been causing, putting slapping me aside, is making a mess. But, yeah, they hated when we argued.”

“They just hated me, didn’t they? Be honest.”

“They loved you, a lot. They always hated that you’d never call them or answer when they called you, and they were happy when you came home. They missed you a lot whenever you were away.”

“It never seemed like it.”

“Well you didn’t get to see it. You didn’t get to see how sad they looked when you ignored their calls or when you had to go back to school, even when you were around you couldn’t see how happy they were to have you home you didn’t seem to have an interest in being around anybody when you were home and I don’t think you realize how much they really wanted you here.”

“They sent me away, how was I supposed to feel.” Her voiced cracked slightly, like she was about to cry again, though she fought  it back.

“I know, but you did earn it. And they would have been happy to have you home permanently, if you’d stopped getting in so much trouble.”

“I really hated them for sending me away, but now I really miss them. I wish I got along with them like you did, I wish I hadn’t shut them out of my life. I really regret it, and I can’t change it anymore.”

I didn't really know what to say next. I felt like I should tell her that I was sure they'd understood, somehow it seemed like what I was supposed to say, but I didn't know if I could honestly say it and it wouldn't change the past and take away her regrets. We just sat in silence for several more as she started to cry again. “How do you deal with this? How are you always okay with this?” She eventually asked after calming down slightly.

“I fake it, a lot. I’m never okay with this, it always hurts. I always miss them. I still cry about it pretty much every day, usually late at night when I’m all alone and have nothing left but my thoughts. I just have to go on with my life, find things that can distract me and make me feel better at least for a while. It does get easier, and less painful, but so far it hasn’t just all gone away and I know it never will. You just need to do the same, you need to do your grieving and then you need to move on with your life. Someday it will be tolerable again, and someday you’ll be able to feel moments of happiness again. This will always be part of our lives, but it doesn’t have to control them. Mom, dad, Camden, Shane… they wouldn’t want that for us, to suffer like that, they’d want us to move on and find reasons to be happy again…. like we would want for them, because I know you wouldn't want them to suffer either.”

“It doesn’t seem like it’ll get better.”

“I know, I thought that too, but it will. Facing your emotions is a start, I know it’s hard, but it’ll help. Sitting around bottling everything up doesn’t do any good. You need to hurt before you can heal, and you need to admit you’re hurting first. I know how you feel right now is why you wanted to bottle everything up, but it did you no good. Now you can start healing, it won’t be easy, or fast, but you’ll get there. And I’ll be here, if you need me.”

“Why? I don’t even deserve your help. After everything I’ve done to you, you should hate me.”

“Nobody deserves to feel this bad, even you. Besides I know mom and dad would want us to stick together and look after each other, so it’s partly for them too. I don’t want to hate you either, you’re still my sister, and on some level I’ve always wished we could get along better. Seeing this vulnerable side to you, this side that’s hurting because you actually cared about somebody besides yourself, well I felt bad for you. I can’t let you go through this alone.”

“Thanks. And I’m really sorry, for earlier, and for… everything. I really am.”

Her apology caught me by surprise. I'd waited so long for an apology from her for what she done to me but I never expected I would get it. I didn't know if I could believe it, I wanted to, but it was hard to trust her. “I can’t just forgive you because you said sorry. Especially right now, I can’t believe that it’s not just the emotions of this situation and that you won’t go back to how you were before. You have to prove it.”

“I will. I regret that everybody else died and I didn’t really know them, we didn’t get along. I don’t want that to happen with us too... if tragedy should ever strike again.”

“I don’t want that either, so I’ll give you a chance and make the effort to get along too.”

“You won’t regret it I promise.”

We didn’t really say anything else to each other; she got up after little while and went upstairs. I assumed she’d gone to her room, but I gave her a few minutes and went to check on her and make sure she was okay; She was fast asleep in her bed. 

I went back downstairs to start cleaning up. I wasn’t going to try pushing the subject with Zoe anymore, not at that time, I’d just let her grieve. I decided to call Levi as I was cleaning, one last chance to ask for forgiveness; I just hoped he’d answer.

The phone rang several times and I thought he wasn’t going to answer, normally he'd answer me after one or two rings, but he did eventually answer. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just wanted to apologize. I really am sorry. I did want to go out with you today, I just had to deal with Zoe.”

“It’s okay. When you said it was Zoe I figured it was important. I know you wouldn’t blow me off for her otherwise. I just wanted to give you time to deal with whatever it was before responding. So what happened?”

“She finally decided to start grieving. I was just about to leave and she was crying, it worried me because it’s not like her. I ended up trying to console and comfort her.”

“That sounds like fun…”

“Yeah... great fun. It was the best we’ve ever gotten along though, and she apologized for being so horrible to me, so it wasn't all bad.”

“And you believe that?”

“No, but I’m giving her a chance anyway.”

“You’re a nicer person than I am then. Now I’m assuming you’re done dealing with her since you called?”

“Yeah she’s gone to sleep now, so I don’t have to worry about her for a little while at least.”

“There’s still time in the evening if you still want to do something.”

“Meet you at the bistro in a few minutes?” 

“Sounds good.”

He was already there waiting at a table when I arrived, but stood up to greet me, giving me a quick hug and kiss. “I think I’d forgotten how good you looked in all that time.”

“Sweet, but you didn’t see me that little.” I replied as I sat down.

“Yeah, well you were always buried in textbooks even when I did get to see you. I’d forgotten you have a face, I thought I was going see a book floating over a body walking towards me.... or would that be over a desk” He joked.

“Haha, very funny. I am really sorry though, for being such a crappy girlfriend.”

“It’s okay, I could tell how stressed out you were, I’m not mad, but I did miss you. Though I hope you passed everything so we don’t have to do this again.”

I laughed, “Oh just wait, there’s still university. We'll do it all over again, but it'll be worse”

He groaned, “Don’t remind me.”

“I’ll try to be better. No promises I’ll succeed though, you saw how crazy I was, I don't know if I can tame that.”

“Well at least I know what to expect now. Though, speaking of not seeing you throughout university I was wondering if you wanted to come to Isla Paradiso over the summer? I'd like to actually spend time with you before I lose you to your studies again. I was thinking we could take the houseboat because the whole family is probably going at least for a while, so the main house will be cramped and nobody really likes to go out on the houseboat a lot. I think you’d like it though. It still has 2 separate rooms so you can have your space; I know it’s important to you, I don't want that to turn you away.”

“That sounds like fun I’d love to go.”

“Cool. Now I can’t wait for summer.”

“Me neither.”

We spent the rest of the evening talking about the summer and making plans for what we would do; it was still several months away but I was already excited and had so much I was looking forward to doing.